Tuesday, February 12, 2013

Lament



*Disclaimer*: Its one of those posts I write in pissed off moods. So you aren’t going to find anything worth giving a read. Scroll down complete at your own risk. And, all my upcoming outbursts are more or less going to follow the same topics as this one, so with this you get a plot of many of my future posts and an alarm to save your time.








Stressed. Frustrated. Disturbed. Broken. Helpless.
Pick up any word and it describes my state best.
The world suddenly seems upside-down. Wait. No! Actually, that would be an over evaluation. Even being upside-down gives kind of a tickling and humorous feeling. A better description is- I am all shattered and scattered- Mentally!
Gradually I am getting the meaning of ‘my-life-is-finished’….at least to the level of why people use this phrase. In the past two months, I’ve done mistakes- the horrendous but usual ones, and have landed myself into a hurt-ful, pain-ful and all such damn things-ful situation. Precisely, I wrecked my very first semester at this wretched college. And the fact that makes it mandatory for me to dilute myself in shame is that I had full one month (even more!) before the exams actually started.
Got to see my first papers some 2 days back anndd…as soon as my eyes fell on the scores- THUMP!....It was a harder than hard blow on my face! It wasn’t just because those figure were less but because it was the one and only subject that allowed me to enjoy some satisfaction as I left the exam hall. It was Psychology, the subject I fell in love with two years back, and it ditched me!
And with this, all those minimal hopes of maintaining an average position in the results have taken the seat  behind the back seat. I know I can’t blame anyone and it stings deeper when you yourself emerge as the sole reason for your failure. Its obvious that when I’ll vent it out in front of people close to me, they will all follow the ritual- “You’ll do much better next time”, “College mein aise hi marks milte hain”, “It was just the first sem!” and Blah. Blah. Blah. The only true ones (in this case, mum) are those who make me stand face to face with the reality, i.e. “Kisne mana kia tha padhne ko?” . And like always, mum, you are right. But I really hoped a lot from this one L I did good, really! L
You kind of want to bury yourself in an utterly dark pit, when there are some specific people who expect a lot from you, but you shamelessly lag far behind. Either they should put an end to it or I should (have to) make a new start.

Humph! Yet again I am all cry-cry-cry! :/ But by record, it was for the first time that I really felt the need to be left alone (shocking! Considering the “not affected by any situation” blabber queen I am) and slept for more than 12 hours once I was back home that day :o It didn’t help , though.
Lately, I have also let this inferiority complex creep into me, and am constantly nudged with a sense of intellectual backwardness. ANYone, even with a just a mark or two ahead, seems to be poking her tongue out at me. (And can you imagine…I just spelt ‘tongue’ wrong?)





It doesn’t end here. Not so soon. I am having an equally bad time personally, something other than academics (which is by the way, a perennial sucker) which had a profound participation in ruffling my focus all these months :/. And I can bet over my….umm… brain, that it’s not gonna end anytime sooner.
With the second sem exams just 2 months away, I have no other option than to be unbearably anxious because I wholeheartedly want to do well. Though I have made numerous unrealistic promises about this one (to myself), I doubt their fulfillment.
Pray for a tinge of FOCUS to somehow make way into my life. 


With new hopes, but loads of guilt and stress and worries and hopes again,

SRISHTI

4 comments:

  1. Don't be so upset...It happens a lot during teenage. Just calm down, you will get your FOCUS back n I know it hurts really bad to score not well in your favorite subject...feels like ur own pet sneaked away with someone else.

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  2. :) thanx for that. I am fine now. This had to come out some way. :/

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  3. Hey Srishti! We've all been through such a stage. And that's what it is, just a stage. As if getting into college wasn't hard enough, there is the system of exams, where I really don't want to comment, because I lost my faith in the sanctity of exams in college in my first semester itself. Students cheat and you don't, teachers may just look for bookish answers and ignore your interpretations and understanding of the subject, and all such things. Anyone who knows me from college wouldn't ever know I was the topper in my school, because how I study is different. I wouldn't cram up anything, rather look for logic everywhere and do my best to understand it. You know, you don't need to dislike psychology, your favorite subject (if you're doing that) just over marks. And yeah, people do compete over marks. Maybe it's just me but it has hardly ever bothered me. Because I know they cheated and I didn't. And whatever they say about getting good grades for a good job may be true, but I think it's more important to have a good character and a sense of right and wrong to be able to do anything in life. :)

    And always remember, that doesn't make you any less intelligent than them! What you find hard, take it as a challenge and work harder! :)

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  4. Thankyou so much Ashna! You are a real sweetheart :)
    Andd...your comments are the most awaited ones ;)
    Haven't I told you already...we have a strikingly matching thought process...rest I think you know...
    And I am all over it :)

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